


Edges

by aschicca



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 12 Grimmauld Place, Altered Memories, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Depressed Sirius Black, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Oblivious Remus Lupin, Oral Sex, POV Sirius Black, Pining, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Sirius Black Lives, Slow Burn, and everything else shapes up to accomodate that, as in Sirius doesn't die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-02-29 12:41:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18778498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschicca/pseuds/aschicca
Summary: Sirius could go downstairs. If Remus had been alone, if he’d been the one bringing dinner and wanting to eat it with Sirius, he probably would have. Unfortunately, Tonks was there too and there was nothing Sirius wanted less than to sit through another evening when he’d have to be forced to look on as his cousin flirted with Remus; and the love of Sirius’s life flirted back.Sirius is having a hard time living as a recluse in Grimmauld Place and dealing with the issues his time in Azkaban left him with. Plus, his cousin keeps flirting with Remus and jealousy is driving him mad. Well, madder…





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, thank you to my Beta Piksa for all her hard work. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> The story is complete, I will post each part within days of each other. Explicit rating is mostly for Part 2 ;)
> 
> I have to say I loved writing this one and I hope you'll enjoy it, too.

**Part 1**

Sirius was brought out of his daze by a crash, loud voices, the sound of a door opening and closing again, and the dulcet tones of his dear old mum shouting bloody murder. He shook his head and realised he had no idea how long he’d sat there, on the windowsill in one of the rooms on the second floor of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, staring into space. Sirius cocked his head and considered standing up to find out who had disturbed Walburga’s portrait, but decided against it. The Order had free reign on the house, no matter if a member needed to seek refuge, meet with the others, or just pop by to eat the food from the cupboard ( _maybe even steal a trinket or two, right Dung?_ ) and Sirius wasn’t interested enough at the moment to join in.

To be fair, Sirius rarely showed interest in something lately. Distantly he thought that, had he been allowed to leave this house in which he even struggled to breathe, in time he probably would have found himself willing to engage with the world once more. As it was, Sirius had traded one prison for another and, despite the fact that the distinct lack of Dementors was an enormously welcome change, inmates weren’t allowed to get a say in whatever happened around them. 

When he had impulsively offered his ancestral home to Dumbledore as headquarters for the Order, Sirius hadn’t exactly thought he’d been offering himself as well. Not that he’d given any conscious thought to what would happen to him, Sirius never did these days; nevertheless, he didn’t remember volunteering to come live in the house he’d left when he was sixteen and never once regretted. This too had been decided for him and Sirius had let it unable and, all things considered, unwilling to fight for himself. Sirius couldn’t say what he would have chosen to do had he been offered a chance to, it was possible he’d have simply asked Remus to keep him in his cottage and let him ‘lie low’ until the war was over. 

The voices outside were closer now, and Sirius could hear the spell to close the drapes of the portrait being recited. A man. There was a man out there and he’d been the one to shut up Sirius’s blasted mother. But he wasn’t alone. Only mildly curious, Sirius listened closely and heard a feminine voice, too. As soon as he understood to whom the voices belonged, Sirius slumped, squeezed his eyes tightly, and hoped the two left quickly.

Luck hadn’t been on Sirius’s side since 1981 so it came as no surprise that it failed him this time, too.

“…going to find him and see if he’d like to eat with us?” the woman asked.

“Yes,” the man told her. “I’ll bring him down to the kitchen, if it’s the last thing I do.”

The woman giggled, the sound of her flirty laugh like nails on a chalkboard to Sirius’s ears, and he heard her step away.

Soon enough the door of the room he’d been hiding in opened and a sliver of light was let in, catching Sirius off guard with the realisation that the room had previously been completely dark because he distinctly remembered sunlight filtering through the thin curtains that covered the window.

 _“Bloody hell,”_ Sirius thought, _“I can’t have been here all day, can I?”_

“Sirius?” Remus called, and Sirius contemplated pretending he hadn’t heard, mind still reeling because of the time he couldn’t remember losing.

Not receiving a reply, Remus lit the candles in the room with a flick of his wand taking the choice out of Sirius’s hands and leaving him with nowhere to hide.

“There you are,” Remus said, concern plain in his voice and his furrowed expression. “You okay?”

Sirius waved a hand. “‘M here,” he replied, misused voice sounding scratchy to his own ears.

“Yes, I see that. Not what I asked though, is it?”

Sirius sighed. “Was there something you needed?” 

Remus looked like he wanted to press the issue for a moment, but in the end he didn’t. “Moody is downstairs. And Tonks. They have news, and Tonks brought food with her too. Come down and eat?” Remus entreated.

Sirius mused over the fact that he should be hungry, that the promise of food should sound good to him, mostly because he had no idea when he’d last eaten something. However, his stomach gave a lurch at the thought of food and Sirius was sure he’d be sick if he even attempted to eat.

“Not hungry,” he said, with what he hoped was a note of finality.

“Come on,” Remus insisted. “It’s curry. You love curry.”

“Do I?” Sirius asked, and he wasn’t sarcastic. He actually couldn’t remember ever eating curry, let alone liking it. There were so many tiny, seemingly insignificant things that Sirius couldn’t remember, and apparently they were even worse than the huge chunks of memories the Dementors either took away forever or twisted into ugliness. Case in point: Sirius had liked curry, and the fact that he now couldn’t have said what curry actually tasted like was apparently stabbing Remus in the chest. At least judging by the way he was looking at Sirius presently.

With a sort of morbid fascination, Sirius watched various expressions dance on Remus’s scarred face, before his friend schooled his features and bravely offered, “Well, you could always come downstairs and answer for yourself.”

Thing is, Sirius could do that. He could go downstairs, eat the curry, try to forget that he’d probably be puking it all up again soon after, and decide for himself if he did indeed like it. And, if Remus had been alone, if he’d been the one bringing dinner and wanting to eat it with Sirius, he probably would have. Unfortunately, Tonks was there too and there was nothing Sirius wanted less than to sit through another evening when he’d have to be forced to look on as his cousin flirted with Remus; and the love of Sirius’s life flirted back.

As far as Sirius could remember, and it wasn’t really that far at all, nothing had ever happened between himself and Remus. Sirius recalled having been in love with Remus since their teenage years but their relationship had never developed into anything deeper than friendship. Or that’s what Sirius thought now, unsure if the Dementors had taken away any memory of a relationship between them or if it had never happened at all. And he couldn’t well ask Remus, could he? _“Say, Moony, were we shagging before you believed I’d killed all of our friends and gave up on me?”_ As unfair as this thought was, Sirius couldn’t have found a better way to word it and, anyway, he wouldn’t have said anything like that out loud.

In all honesty, Sirius did remember kissing Remus once, but he was too afraid that the scene he could recall had been true and not tampered with by Dementors to utter a single word about it. In his memory, Remus had kissed back for just a second before he’d pushed Sirius away demanding he never, ever attempt anything of the sort again. Knowing that Remus was bisexual added fuel to the fire of Sirius’s memory because it showed that it wasn’t men that Remus had been so violently against: it was Sirius.

A perfect definition of Hell, Sirius had learned, was the perpetual state of being torn between longing for his lost memories and hoping the ones he had weren’t real after all. 

“Sirius?” Remus gently called. “Where did you just go?”

“Azkaban,” Sirius replied, darkly, but felt immediately guilty when he saw Remus flinch. “Nah, sorry, Moony. Times are I get a bit lost, you see? Nothing to worry about.” 

“I wish you’d talk to me…”

“No, Remus. Believe me, you don’t,” Sirius said. “Now, curry was it? Not interested, mate, but thank you for offering.”

For a second it seemed to Sirius like Remus was about to crumble in front of his eyes, and how ridiculous a thought was that? 

“Come downstairs anyway,” Remus pleaded. “You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to, but you should listen to Moody’s news at least.”

“Is it about Harry?” Sirius asked, knowing that only his Godson would be able to pry him away from his solitude.

“No, I… don’t think so. Dumbledore, he…” Remus started, but Sirius tuned him out and missed the rest.

“I’ll pass,” Sirius said, not caring if he interrupted Remus mid-speech. “If there’s something I need to know, I’m sure I’ll be told sooner or later. Not like I can do much about anything anyway so,” Sirius finished, shrugging.

“Sirius…”

“Close the door on your way out, would you Remus?” 

Sirius saw Remus hesitating, trying to find a way, any way, to convince Sirius to go downstairs with him. It was sort of amusing for Sirius to witness, and he looked intently at Remus’s face. When it was clear that Remus hadn’t been able to think of anything to say, Sirius took in his nod and watched him leave the room.

 _Poor Moony, all sad and dejected. Not to worry though,_ Sirius mused darkly, _sure enough Tonks will be able to cheer him up again in a jiffy._

With a swift movement of his hand, wandless magic coming as easy to Sirius as it had since he’d first been taught to use it, Sirius snuffed out all the candles and hid himself in darkness once again.

*

The meeting seemed to go on forever, and Sirius had lost interest almost since the first five minutes of Moody rambling away about security measures. Everyone around him was engaged in conversation but Sirius was busy studying a cut etched in the wood of the table. He didn’t remember this table, or any other piece of furniture inside the house, ever being anything less than pristine and Sirius was having quite a lot of fun imagining the colour his mother’s face would take if she could see the tiny incision marring the otherwise perfect surface of her beloved table.

Sirius unconsciously worried at the cut with his nail and wished he could just go down to the kitchen, get a knife, and really have a go at it. Scratching it was satisfying enough for now, and Sirius kept doing it with enthusiasm.

“…mind, Sirius?” Someone said, but Sirius ignored them. He would have happily kept on ignoring everyone if Remus, who was sitting next to him, hadn’t gently elbowed him in the side.

“Huh?” Sirius asked, looking up and away from the incision.

“I asked,” Molly spoke again, “if you could stop doing that. The scratching sound is unbearable, and you’re ruining the table!”

“My table, Molly, is it?” Sirius replied. “I’ll ruin it if I want to.”

Molly glared at him, and Sirius was sure she was about to launch into one of her lectures about how impossible Sirius was, and how she wished he would grow up and stop pestering everyone with his bad mood and horrible manners – not to mention Sirius’s personal favourite: How did Sirius think he could be a decent Godfather if he kept behaving like a child himself? 

Remus’s intervention prevented that, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he was more relieved or disappointed about it.

“‘Course you can, just maybe wait until we’ve cleared out before you ruin the table, eh? I’d rather not be a witness to its downfall,” Remus said, sarcastically, startling a chuckle out of Sirius.

Sirius nodded and folded his hands in his lap, but then he made a mistake when he glanced up at Remus and saw him wink. Only, Remus wasn’t winking at Sirius: He directed it at Tonks, who sat right in front of him. The smile she gave back was blinding and Sirius had to blink a few times before he decided that looking back down to his lap was the better alternative.

People around him started talking again, but Sirius didn’t listen. He was wondering why he was still sitting there pretending to be part of something. Why wasn’t he getting up and out of the room? Why wasn’t he refusing to sit in these meetings that, when they weren’t about Harry, were as pointless as Sirius’s presence in them?

“Are you okay?” Remus whispered softly in his ear.

Sirius glanced at him and saw the worry in Remus’s eyes, but before he could reply he heard Moody declaring the end of the meeting and Molly inviting everyone down to the kitchen for supper. Sirius simply shrugged, got up, and followed the others downstairs. He was feeling uncharacteristically hungry that evening, and the promise of a homemade meal was incentive enough for Sirius to suffer through more time with the other members of the Order.

Immediately sitting down again as soon as he entered the kitchen, Sirius retrieved a discarded copy of the _Prophet_ and absently browsed through the pages. He looked up when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and caught Remus staring down at him.

“Paper yours?” Sirius asked. “Want it back?”

“No, of course not. I just…”

Sirius would never know what Remus wanted to tell him because Molly suddenly decided she needed Remus’s attention and called him away. Sirius followed his movements and scoffed when he realised that all Molly wanted was for Remus to sit down at the other end of the table where Tonks sat. Of course, Remus complied – darling Moony always trying to be a people pleaser – and Sirius resolutely ignored the twinge in his chest that always accompanied the sight of Remus and Tonks together.

Sirius read a bit, ate what Molly put in front of him though the taste of it didn’t exactly register in his mouth, and pretended to listen to Arthur talk about some Muggle contraption or other that his department had investigated recently. All in all, Sirius had to say for himself, he had quite the normal evening and he played the part of the accommodating and pleasant host very well indeed.

At least until the sound of a low, well known laugh reached his ears, and Sirius was forced to look at Remus again. Whatever Tonks had been telling him was making Remus’s frequently frowny face light up, and he was laughing with abandon. Sirius could not remember the last time he’d heard Remus laugh like that, or any other way, and he hated it. He also hated himself for it because who in their right mind would ever begrudge a loved one their happiness?

Sirius should have been glad that Remus was having a good time, that he was enjoying himself, and thriving under the attention of a pretty girl who didn’t have eyes for anything and anyone else in the room. He wasn’t. He wanted to yell at them to be silent, demand that Remus stop laughing, and force Tonks to leave and never step foot in his house again.

Biting his lip so hard he tasted blood, Sirius took in Tonks’s hand on Remus’s arm and the way her hair shone bright red every time Remus replied favourably to whatever she was asking him; he saw Remus look at Tonks like she was something precious, and lovely, and like he couldn’t have enough of her. Sirius watched all this unfold in front of his eyes, and seethed.

Wave after wave of jealousy hit him hard and he failed to suppress a low growl. Luckily, Arthur had moved away and Sirius now sat alone at the head of the long table, hands fisted tightly and whole body trembling, so no one heard him. No one took stock of Sirius’s situation, no one even glanced at him. No one cared.

Abruptly, Sirius pushed his chair back and walked away from the table and out of the room. He longed to be able to leave the house, walk out the door and breathe in the crisp air of the night, but prisoners didn’t have rights and the best Sirius could manage was climb to the top floor of the house and open the tall window that led out to the small roof. Technically, Sirius wasn’t allowed to be outside even if just on the rooftop of his house, but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

He knew that staying in would have meant suffocating, and so he stepped outside and slowly breathed in and out, eyes closed and face upturned. The thin white dress shirt he was wearing could never be enough to shield him from the ice that instantly seeped into his bones but Sirius didn’t care. Cold was a better feeling than jealousy, and shivering because of the chill was an improvement when compared to the tremble Sirius had experienced before when rage was clouding his mind.

“Shite, Padfoot, are you bonkers?” Remus's voice reached Sirius’s ears, but he pretended not to have heard. “You’ll catch your death out here, you’re wearing next to nothing!”

Sirius refused to reply, he refused to acknowledge Remus at all, and kept breathing and shivering. Distantly he realised that his teeth had started chattering but Sirius ignored that, too.

He had no idea how much time passed, nor he was aware that Remus had left, but he instantly knew Remus must have when he stepped in front of Sirius, wearing coat and scarf, and wrapped a thick blanket around him. Remus stepped back a bit and started rubbing Sirius’s arms on top of the blanket to help warm him up.

“Bloody idiot,” Remus muttered. “Standing outside in this weather and…”

“Why would you care?” Sirius heard himself ask, but couldn’t remember deciding to speak.

Remus’s eyes widened and he stared at Sirius. “What?”

Sirius sighed, shook his head, and refused to repeat himself.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Remus said then. “You won’t tell me, and I don’t know how to help you. But how can you think I don’t care? Sirius…”

“Where’s Tonks?” Sirius interrupted.

“What? What the bloody hell are you on about? Have you lost your mind?”

“Why? Would that be news to you?” Sirius said, sarcastically. 

“Sirius…” Remus started, then took a deep breath as if trying to steady himself. “You all but imply I couldn’t care less if you froze to death on this roof, and when I try to talk about it without maiming you for even suggesting such a thing, you change the subject and ask about Dora?”

For a moment, Sirius was confused. Dora? Who was… And then he understood, and a new layer of ice covered his already half-frozen limbs.

“ _Dora_ is it? Wow, Remus. That’s impressive, that is,” Sirius spat out.

“Impressive? What… Sirius, I don’t understand a bloody word out of your mouth tonight!”

“Then maybe you should stop talking to me and leave. I don’t think _Dora_ would mind it if you offered to see her home,” Sirius scowled.

Remus gave quite a good impression of a fish for a moment, and Sirius studied it with mild interest. A part of Sirius wanted Remus to take him up on his suggestion and leave him alone but another, bigger, part of him longed for Remus to fight him, to understand what Sirius was feeling and challenge him on it.

Remus looked down, sighed and, when he looked back up, Sirius could clearly see the blush on Remus’s cheeks. Sirius clenched his hands around the blanket to stop himself from clawing his way through Remus’s face and add his own mark to the wolf’s. That blush, more than anything else, confirmed to Sirius that he was right: Remus wanted Tonks.

Remus went to speak, but Moody’s voice came first. “Sirius! Are you barking mad? Come inside this instant! And you, Remus. Dumbledore sent message and he wants you on your new assignment starting tonight,” Moody ordered.

Remus clasped Sirius’s arm and led him inside, closing the window behind them. “I’ll be down in a second, Alastor, thank you,” Remus said and, with one last glare at Sirius, Moody left. “Sirius…”

“Go, Remus. Important mission ahead.”

“Listen, I’ll be back in a week and we’ll talk, alright?” Remus said, and the almost pleading tone of his voice confused Sirius. “Just… Try not to do anything stupid in the meantime. Please?”

“I’ll be a good little inmate, Remus, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Sirius answered, cynically.

“Sirius… Please…”

“You must leave now, Moony. Wouldn’t do to keep people waiting, would it?” 

Remus sighed but didn’t say anything more, he turned and finally left. Sirius glanced back at the window and considered going outside again, but slipping into his bed was a more appealing thought at the moment so he desisted. He knew his human self had no chance to a good night’s sleep, but maybe turning into Padfoot would help and even if it didn’t, the warmth of a pile of blankets upon his body was more than enticing enough to make up for the lack of sleep.

*

Christmas came and went, and so did Harry. Sirius loved having his Godson with him, and he felt alive for the first time in months while he had Harry in the house. Of course he was worried about him, and more than once he had to catch himself from calling him James, but all in all Harry’s presence had brightened up Sirius’s days and he hated to see him leave.

With everything that happened to Arthur, with Hermione and the whole Weasley clan residing in Grimmauld Place, and staying for Christmas holidays too, Sirius had successfully avoided any sort of confrontation with Remus. Their interactions had been polite, and Sirius had bitten his tongue every time Tonks’s name was mentioned. Luckily, she hadn’t been around much but Sirius had to suffer her presence at dinner once or twice. He hadn’t had any qualms in using Harry – and Ron and Hermione too – as a shield during those times, and Sirius had also busied himself planning fireworks with Fred and George for an entire afternoon while Tonks came to visit.

Everyone was gone now, though, and one cold January day Sirius found himself looking up from a book he’d tried to read in the drawing room when Remus entered.

“Alright?” Remus asked, and Sirius nodded. “Can’t believe how silent the house is now. I could hardly hear myself think when the others were here,” Remus remarked, a small smile on his face.

“I’m used to it,” Sirius replied. “‘S always like this. Just me here generally.”

Remus cringed, and Sirius resisted the impulse to roll his eyes. He hadn’t even tried to say something hurtful. He’d just told the truth, he’d talked like Remus wanted him to, yet he must have bollocksed that up, too.

“I’m sorry, I… I’m so sorry, Sirius,” Remus said, and Sirius frowned at him.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You… You’re trapped here. And I’d promised myself I’d try to be here with you as much as possible but…”

“But you have things to do. Places to go. People to see. Dumbledores to please…” Sirius said, and this time he didn’t mind the flash of hurt and anger on Remus’s face.

“You think I have fun? That I like going to negotiate with werewolves or picking up random night shifts guarding the prophecy? Do you think I’m having the time of my bloody life?” Remus shouted.

“Say, do you want to switch for a while? I’ll be walking the corridors in the Department of Mysteries for a few nights, and maybe pop in to convince others to join our cause, and you can stay here. Alone. In the dark. With Kreacher muttering insults at you every time you pass him by, and my lovely old mum calling you blood traitor, abomination, shame of her flesh at least twice a day, every day. Not allowed to leave, not able to see or talk to anyone unless they decide they need to give you orders; a prisoner in your own bloody house, and yet somehow still made to feel like an unwanted guest. What’d you say, Moony? Deal?” Sirius shouted back.

“I’m not the one with Dementors after my arse, am I? I’m not wanted by the Ministry or deemed responsible for everything that’s going wrong in our world lately! _I _am not Notorious Mass Murderer Sirius Bl…”__

__“I didn’t bloody kill anyone!” Sirius raged, getting up and throwing away the book he’d still been holding. He noticed with satisfaction the sudden pallor of Remus’s face, and the guilt that clearly showed on his face, but he wasn’t done. “I know it’s convenient for you all to forget that. Makes it easier to lock me up and throw away the key, doesn’t it? But I didn’t _do_ it, Remus! And I paid for it anyway. For twelve fucking years, I’ve had my head messed with by Dementors, and now I’m here and all of you can’t wait for me to conform to your stupid rules, and then you get all high and mighty and disappointed when I don’t act accordingly. Did it ever occur to you that I don’t even understand half the things you want from me?”_ _

__Remus gaped at him and tried to reach out and touch him, but Sirius didn’t think he could stand being approached so he stepped back._ _

__“Sirius…” Remus said, pained._ _

__“You all want me to stop behaving like a petulant child, to be grateful that I’m out of Azkaban and living comfortably… How was it that Snape put it? Hiding away in mummy’s house, was it? Did you ever stop to ask yourselves what’s going on in here?” Sirius said, pointing at his own head. “I don’t remember half my life, and the half I do remember is so messed up I can’t tell what’s real and what’s twisted. I don’t…”_ _

__“It might… They might come back,” Remus interjected. “The memories, I mean. Dumbledore said that in time you might get them back. The ones you lost and the ones that have been… altered. They could come back…”_ _

__“You live in the dark long enough, Remus, and then see if you can remember the light. Especially when you don’t seem to be able to escape the darkness everywhere you go. You try, and they push you back in it,” Sirius murmured._ _

__“I’m sorry. Everything I said before, I didn’t mean… You push and I push back, Sirius, you know that. And I’ve been holding all of this in for such a long time that it was bound to come out violently. Still, I didn’t mean to take it out on you, or to make you feel even worse,” Remus said, and tried stepping closer again._ _

__Sirius looked at him warily but didn’t move away._ _

__“I know you’re innocent. I do,” Remus continued. “I wish the world could know it too, so you could walk free. I wish we weren’t fighting this bloody war again, so you could stop and heal. I wish… but that’s neither here nor there. I hate that you have to stay in this house but it’s for your protection, Sirius. This is not a punishment! We’re trying to keep you safe, keep you alive. Please, won’t you see that?”_ _

__Safe. Sirius felt like laughing. The concept of ‘safe’ was so foreign to Sirius that Remus might as well be talking in a different language. Safe embodied everything Sirius lost and could never hope to get back: safe was a red and gold dorm room, and four boys sitting on a bed planning a prank; safe was James’s house, his chosen brother’s laugh, Effie’s embrace, and Monty’s comforting presence at Sirius’s back; safe was a little flat in London and a guest room littered with books and discarded chocolate wrappers, and Remus’s coat casually thrown on the bed. How could Remus not know that?_ _

__“Yeah, ‘course. As you say,” Sirius said, shrugging. Abruptly, he felt the fight completely going out of him and he simply sat back down._ _

__Remus closed the distance between them, and Sirius stiffened not ready to be touched. Fortunately Remus seemed to understand that and he simply sat in front of him._ _

__“I know I keep saying this but I really am sorry, Sirius. The last thing I wanted when I came here to find you just now was to pick a fight with you. I just… We haven’t talked in a long time and I was hoping we could do that…” Remus said, hopefully._ _

__“Not sure what you expect me to say here, Remus,” Sirius whispered back._ _

__“Nothing. Look… A thought just occurred to me and it’s possible that… Maybe I can help with your memories. I was there too after all, and…”_ _

__“I don’t understand,” Sirius interjected, and he really didn’t. What was Remus suggesting? How could he help?_ _

__“Here, let’s try one. Tell me something you remember, something stupid, small, something that you don’t mind talking about. You tell it how you remember it and I will set it to rights if it’s twisted, or just fill in the blanks if there are any. Would you like that, Sirius?” Remus eagerly asked._ _

__Would Sirius like to do that? Was ‘no fucking way’ too strong a reply? His fucked up memory was the last thing Sirius wanted to tackle, and doing it with Remus might definitely lead to disaster; yet he was tired of constantly disappointing Remus and crushing every hope in his eyes, and if doing this could make Moony feel good who was Sirius to deny him?_ _

__“Uhm, sure, yeah. Why not?” Sirius offered, and the reward of Remus’s smile was almost enough to overcome his growing need to run from the room. “Let’s see… uhhh… Second Hogsmeade weekend in Sixth Year. I was tired that day and wanted to go sit at the Three Broomsticks and have a butterbeer, but James wanted to raid Zonko’s so you and bloody Peter went with him and I… hmm… just went back to Hogwarts alone. Said I would meet with you later?”_ _

__Remus was staring at him in horror and Sirius cursed himself for not listening to his first instinct and fleeing before opening his stupid mouth._ _

__“Sirius…”_ _

__“No, look, let’s just… Forget it, alright. No big deal, we can talk about something else, uh? Read any good books lately?” Sirius said, desperately._ _

__Remus leaned forward and, voice soft and gentle, he recounted, “Peter was the one who was tired that day, not you. He’d spent the previous night in detention and didn’t even want to come to Hogsmeade, he only came because James told him to. Peter was the one who wanted to sit at the Three Broomsticks, but no one paid him any mind because_ you _and James both wanted to clear out Zonko’s to replenish your stock of dungbombs and whatever else. I probably would have gone and sat with Peter to put him out of his misery, but_ you _grabbed my hand and pulled me with you, and I wasn’t about to complain. Peter came in, too, but he gave up trying to keep up with us pretty quickly so he went back to Hogwarts, and we met with him there later.”_ _

__Sirius gaped. “You… uhm… wait,” he blabbed but sure enough, now that he’d heard Remus recall the scene, it was changing inside his head too and he knew Remus was right. “Yeah, I… Now that you say it, I think…yes. Wow.” Sirius finished and looked wide eyed at Remus. Bloody hell, it was working!_ _

__Visibly trying to defuse the tension, Remus said, “Don’t know what’s worse, mate: Dementors fucking with that memory or them making you think you were bloody Peter in that scenario!”_ _

__Sirius barked out a laugh, startling himself. “Wankers, the lot of them,” he declared, darkly, and Remus nodded._ _

__“Might as well keep fucking up with their plan, eh? Want to do another memory? Stick another finger up their hooded arses?”_ _

__“Blimey, Remus. That was a bloody vivid picture, mate. I think I just puked a little in my mouth,” Sirius joked, and Remus tilted his head proudly. “Sure, let’s… uhm… let’s do another one, then.”_ _

__They sat there trading memories for hours, and Sirius was surprised to find out how much they’d all been tampered with. Of course, Sirius offered only insignificant memories for Remus to work back into shape, but the idea that even the simpler ones didn’t escape the malicious corruption of the Dementors was filling Sirius with both anger and hope. Maybe even the worst times of Sirius’s life had been distorted, maybe that could mean there was a chance that he might one day get back to them and realize nothing had been as bad as Sirius now believed._ _

__Many things had disappeared completely from Sirius’s mind after the Dementors finished with it, but Sirius now wondered whether Remus could get those times back to him, too. It would mean that Sirius would have to sit there and listen to Remus recall most of their shared life, and he wasn’t sure he felt strong enough to ask for that yet, but the possibility was there and it was more than Sirius ever thought to hope for._ _

__Remus offered to keep helping Sirius with his memories, and Sirius wanted desperately to ask him if Tonks wouldn’t mind Remus spending so much time with Sirius. He wanted to know if Remus could be away from her for that long, and if he was sure he wouldn’t rather bask in her light, in her love, than sit in the darkness with Sirius. But he was afraid: afraid that Remus would get angry and rescind his offer; afraid that Remus hadn’t thought this through and Sirius would remind him that he had better things to do and better people to be with; afraid that Remus might answer that Tonks knew about everything and she had graciously accepted that her beloved wasted time after Sirius._ _

__Fear silenced Sirius, and he just nodded accepting Remus’s offer._ _


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

One day in March, close to lunchtime, Sirius went down to the kitchen hoping to find something easy to prepare and eat. His hunger was still erratic and even now there were occasions when Sirius wasn’t able to put anything in his mouth for fear of puking it up soon after. However, since Remus had started reshaping his memories, Sirius’s mood had improved and his willingness to eat had returned. Darkness still enveloped Sirius, constant companion and cruel mistress, but getting bits of his life back was casting tiny rays of light through it that comforted him.

Before he could enter the kitchen though, Sirius heard Remus’s voice and he stopped to listen to what he was saying. He’d had no idea Remus, or anyone else actually, was in the house and he lent a curious ear.

“...so nice of you,” Remus said.

“Not a problem, Remus. I was sent to Hogsmeade for a patrol and it was quite boring, but at least Honeydukes is there, eh? And I remembered you saying that you like the raspberry filled chocolates so…” Tonks replied, and the cheery tone of her voice made Sirius want to scream.

Was there really nowhere else in the entire fucking world those two could go to? Did they have to come flirt in Sirius’s bloody kitchen? 

“…said you’d come, Remus. I know it’s difficult to find the time with everything that’s going on, but I’d love if you could help me find a house to rent if I’m going to be stationed in Hogsmeade after all,” Tonks continued.

Deciding he’d had enough, Sirius entered the kitchen ignoring Remus and Tonks and went straight for the cupboard. His hunger had abated, but he had no intention of making himself scarce and leave Tonks free to throw her net around Remus.

“‘Lo, Padfoot,” Remus greeted.

“Wotcher,” Tonks echoed.

Sirius kept ignoring them, and noisily poked at things around the cupboard.

“If you’re hungry,” Remus offered, “Dora bought raspberry filled chocolates, and I wouldn’t mind sharing.”

“I hate raspberries,” Sirius snapped, back still at them.

“No, you don’t!” Tonks had the gall to say. “I remember you and I ate a whole bowl together at mum’s that one Summer.”

Sirius turned and fixed the full force of his glare on her. “How lovely it must be to have all these little memories,” he shot, and was glad to see the blush on Tonks’s cheeks, and the sudden darkening of her previously pink hair. 

“Sirius!” Remus admonished.

Sirius looked at him and shrugged. “What? Did I say something wrong? Isn’t it lovely to remember things? You don’t agree then, Remus?”

“Look, let’s not… There’s no need to be like that,” Remus said, conciliatory. “It is lovely for Dora to remember spending time with you, and it’s not her fault if you can’t…” 

“Can’t what? Uh? What, Remus?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Sirius, you know I didn’t. I was just saying…” Remus tried again, but Sirius had no intention of listening to another word. He couldn’t believe Remus would take Tonks’s side, nor that he could throw Sirius’s lost memories in his face like that.

“No, of course you didn’t mean it. She didn’t mean it, either. No one ever means anything, and yet you’re always here opening your bloody mouths and blaming me for the crap that comes out of them! ‘Cor, Sirius, do you have to be so sensitive? Can’t you just let us walk all over you and be a sport about it?’” Sirius spat out.

“Walk all over you? Bloody hell, Sirius! It’s just raspberry! You don’t want to eat any, don’t do it. What’s all this?” Remus shot back.

“Look,” Tonks interjected. “Maybe it’s better if I just go…”

“Yes,” Sirius answered, gesturing towards the door. “By all means.”

“Sirius!” Remus reprimanded, again, before turning sorrowful eyes towards Tonks. “It probably would be better, Dora. We’ll catch up at another time, eh?” He told her and she smiled softly at him, ramping Sirius’s rage up a notch.

“Why don’t you just go with her now, Moony? You can pop by Hogsmeade and take her to Madam Puddifoot’s for a date. Her cakes are for shit, they say – not that I remember that myself do I, Remus? – but then you wouldn’t be going there to eat, would you?” Sirius smiled cruelly. 

A distant voice in his mind was shouting at him to stop, to just shut up and let Tonks leave so he could be alone with Remus, but Sirius was too far gone to listen.

Remus shot him a glare but didn’t reply, and just accompanied Tonks to the door. She stopped and threw a sad glance back at Sirius, and he waved cheerily at her satisfied when he saw her slump. Remus went with her and muttered something Sirius couldn’t make out, and then there was the soft pop of Tonks apparating away.

Sirius made his way to the table where the open box of chocolates lay, and took out one piece. He rolled it between his fingers and, as soon as he heard Remus come back in, he squashed it and grinned watching the juices leak out.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Remus yelled.

Sirius slowly raised the sticky hand to his mouth and sucked the raspberry and the chocolate off his fingers, licking them clean. “Well, would you look at that,” he said, sarcastically. “I do like raspberry, after all.”

Eyes flashing with something Sirius couldn’t identify – it was definitely anger but there was something else, something different that Sirius couldn’t place – Remus cursed at him, and Sirius laughed.

“The mouth on you, Moony. You make me so proud,” he teased.

“What is wrong with you?” Remus asked.

“Should I make you a list? Wouldn’t mind it, I’ve got time.”

“Sirius,” Remus took a deep breath. “Would you stop behaving like an utter tosser, and tell me why you felt the need to hurt Dora and annoy me?”

“Maybe _Dora_ needs a thicker skin, don’t you think? I mean, she’s an Auror, she can’t go around getting her little feelings hurt by every insignificant thing now, can she?”

“You’re not insignificant, Sirius…” Remus started.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Sirius murmured, interrupting and visibly surprising Remus.

“You’re her cousin, Sirius; she loves you. She offered up that memory because she cares, because she thinks fondly back on it, not to remark on the fact that you weren’t able to share it anymore. That’s all I meant, too, when I said it was no one’s fault and you should try not to take it too personally,” Remus explained, and of course it made sense. 

Of course that was what Remus meant before, and of course Tonks didn’t want to call Sirius out on the fact that his head was a bloody mess and raspberries didn’t survive the Dementors’ cut. It all made sense, but Sirius didn’t want to see sense: jealousy was clouding his mind, even now that Tonks had left and Remus had stayed, and he refused to outright acknowledge having behaved like a wanker.

“Sirius…”

Wanting this stupid discussion over, Sirius said, “Yeah, okay. Whatever you say. Tonks is the equivalent of what a Muggle would call an angel, you played peacekeeper as well as you usually do, and I’m an arsehole. Doubt that’s news to anyone.”

“You’re not an… Okay, well, yes, you bloody well are an arsehole,” Remus replied, and Sirius couldn’t help smiling at that. “But I don’t know why you would go off like that. There was no reason for it, was there?”

Sirius sighed. “Nah, mate, no reason at all,” he lied. 

“Why don’t you ever talk to me, Sirius? Why don’t you tell me the truth?” Remus asked, and Sirius stared at him wide eyed.

“The truth?” Sirius asked. “I don’t… What truth?”

“Did something happen between you and Dora? You’ve been either avoiding her or snapping at her for months now,” Remus told him. “Everybody noticed; even Harry remarked on it at Christmas. It’s hurting her, Sirius, and I don’t think she deserves it. Did she say something to you? If that’s the case, I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

Of course this was about bloody Tonks and her feelings! It took everything for Sirius not to slam his fist in the box of chocolate just then, but unfortunately his restraint didn’t extend to his mouth too.

“Oh dear, poor _Dora_ ,” he spat out, venomously. “It all revolves around her, doesn’t it? She’s just so bloody good, can’t do nothing wrong, must be protected at all costs! Blimey, Remus, it’s a wonder you can talk about anything else these days! Why don’t you go and bloody marry her, eh? I do have experience being a best man!” 

Remus looked at him soberly, unnerving Sirius.

“What, uh? What, Remus?”

“Sirius… Padfoot, are you… You’re not… jealous, are you?” Remus enquired, and Sirius panicked.

Shifty eyes looking everywhere but at Remus, Sirius desperately searched for something to say. Why did he have to open his bloody mouth? Why did he talk about Tonks at all? Hell, why did he have to step into the kitchen in the first place? 

Sirius breathed out harshly, looked back at Remus, then opened his mouth and was horrified when all that came out of it was, “Can I tell you a memory, Remus?”

 _“Merlin, Sirius, shut up!”_ He yelled at himself in his mind. _“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!”_

“Well, yes, uhm… sure,” Remus replied, puzzled and with just a touch of disappointment.

Apparently bent on self-destruction, Sirius ignored the voice that kept intimating him to shut his gob, and revealed, “One time, before… uh, well, _Before_ , I think it was night and we were in the flat we shared in London. I don’t know what led to it, I don’t know what came after, but I… uhm… That night I kissed you. Didn’t I? I kissed you and you said no. You said… Not to do it again. Never to do it again. And I…”

A strangled sound coming from Remus interrupted Sirius, and he just stared at his friend while Remus struggled to keep himself in check. Terrified and convinced he’d ruined everything irreparably, Sirius felt the need to run away but he was trapped because Remus was still standing in front of the door.

Ears ringing and as close to hyperventilation as he’d ever been, Sirius at first failed to hear Remus’s voice. When Remus stepped closer to him, arm outstretched, Sirius’s head shot up and a strangled ‘no’ came out of his mouth. 

Remus halted, and spoke gently. “Just breathe, Pads, come on. In deeply through the nose, and then slowly out through your mouth. In,” Remus inhaled and Sirius followed his example. “And out. Just like that. In, and out.”

The both of them stood close and breathed for a while; slowly Sirius started to feel his body relax, and the urge to fight or flight abated.

“Okay?” Remus asked, and Sirius nodded. “I won’t… Look, I promise I will not touch you but I wanted to let you know that it’s okay if you want to touch me. Whatever you want, alright?”

Sirius held out a trembling hand and grasped the front of Remus’s ill-fitting cardigan, unable to resist the comfort offered by the contact but unwilling to actually touch Remus. He was rewarded with a smile, and Remus once more breathed calmly in and out waiting for Sirius to copy him.

“It was me,” Remus said then, and Sirius furrowed his brow uncomprehending. “I kissed you that night, Sirius, not the other way around.”

Sirius felt his mouth open but no sound came out of it. What did Remus just say?

Remus let out a small laugh and continued, “You say you don’t know what happened previously so I’ll start from there, okay? It was one of those evenings we still were able to spend together with James. Lily and Harry were there, too, that time; and Peter, of course. After Lily flooed home with Harry, the four of us remained outside of the pub to talk a bit more and then… Bloody hell, knowing what I know now it all makes so much sense, you know? Peter left first, of course he bloody did, and soon after four Death Eaters apparated.”

“Fucking rat,” Sirius muttered.

“Yes, we were so blind, weren’t we? Anyway, we had to fight that night and we did. We were bloody brilliant and when I turned around to look at you, you grinned at me. We both looked at James then, and he did a little victory dance but, before we could even laugh, a fifth Death Eater apparated right behind James. It all happened so fast but you launched yourself at James, pushed him out of the way, and put yourself in the line of fire. The green light from that arsehole’s wand narrowly missed you, instead both James and I hit him and finished it. We all disapparated pretty quickly after that, our position was obviously compromised and we needed to avoid making ourselves even more of a target.”

Remus stopped to catch his breath, and Sirius felt the fog in his head clear a bit. He couldn’t remember everything Remus had just recalled, but he clearly saw the alley behind the pub, and James’s stupid dance, and he felt the blood rush through his veins at the memory of himself running towards James to get him out of the way.

“We arrived home,” Remus started again, “and we stopped in the hallway. You looked at me and you had the nerve to laugh. You’d just risked your life, you’d thrown yourself into danger without a thought, and you were laughing. Something snapped inside me and I pinned you to the wall and kissed you.”

“You…” Sirius tried, but Remus ignored him.

“I kissed you, and I couldn’t believe it when you kissed back. You held me, pulled me towards you, and I wanted you so badly just then, Sirius. But I needed to shake some sense into you so I stepped back and demanded that you never, ever did anything so stupid again. I was, of course, referring to you taking all the risks on your person, uncaring of your own well-being. That’s what… that’s why…”

Remus closed his eyes for a moment and Sirius released his hold on the cardigan to grasp Remus’s shoulder, hand close to his exposed neck, prompting Remus to look at him once more.

“They lie with the truth, Dementors do,” Sirius murmured. “Remember you told me that yourself when you fixed that botched memory I had about the camping trip we took the Summer before seventh year?”

“Yes. Yes, they do.”

“Did we… uhm… After we kissed that night what else did we do?” Sirius felt the need to ask.

“Nothing,” Remus told him, and chuckled when Sirius’s shoulders slumped in disappointment. “Dumbledore sent a Patronus calling us in to report on the attack, and we left soon after. Then he sent me away, and when I came back the rumours about the spy had solidified and, well, we all know what came after that.”

“I’m sorry, Remus.”

“No, hey, look at me. We forgave each other in the Shack the very first night, Padfoot. Don’t apologize, please,” Remus smiled gently, and Sirius suddenly knew he needed to feel Remus’s arms around him.

Slowly, Sirius moved closer to Remus. The hand on his shoulder wrapping around his neck and the other arm coming to rest on Remus’s back, Sirius lay his head on Remus’s chest and breathed deeply. Remus sighed, rubbed his cheek on Sirius’s hair, and hugged him tightly. 

“Yes,” Sirius said. “The answer is yes.”

“I don’t… Answer? I missed something, haven’t I?”

Sirius snorted. “No, you git. You asked a question before, and I just answered it.”

“Me? I didn’t… I… Oh. You mean yes as in… You _are_ jealous of Tonks?” Remus asked.

“Took you long enough.” 

“But, Sirius, I mean… why?”

Sirius stepped backwards and glared up at Remus, “What the bloody hell do you mean, why? You two are joined at the hip lately, she bats her eyelashes at you almost constantly, and you love the attention! Do not deny it, Remus, I know you do.” 

Remus gawked at him. “I don’t… I’m not… Well, I mean, she’s a lovely girl and she’s very sweet but uhm… She’s so young. I don’t think she’s interested in me that way…”

“Do not play coy with me, Remus. I’ll bloody well kick you in the bollocks, don’t think for one second that I won’t!” Sirius growled. “She just came here to give you a box of sodding chocolates!”

“No, but that was… Well, I see how that… huh,” Remus babbled. “I suppose I never truly put two and two together.”

“Really,” Sirius said, sarcastically dragging the word. “You call her _Dora_!”

“Shut up, she asked me to. Shite, are you telling me I’ve been leading her on all this time?” Remus asked, pained, and Sirius rolled his eyes. “But I didn’t mean to! I just never saw her that way and I didn’t realize she was… Merlin’s saggy tits, Sirius, this is bloody awful!”

Sirius doubled over at that, laughing so hard his stomach hurt and dodging a few slaps from Remus.

“It’s not funny, Sirius!”

“No, Remus,” Sirius replied, sobering up instantly. “I can assure you, looking at the two of you together was anything but funny.”

“Padfoot, I didn’t understand… I didn’t mean… It was never her. Never. It’s you… it’s just you. Always you…” Remus told him, and Sirius felt warmth on his skin like he didn’t remember feeling in years.

Sirius went to speak, but his stomach chose that moment to let out a loud growl, and Remus chuckled. 

“Hungry, are we?” Remus asked, and Sirius grinned.

“Someone did thwart my search for food earlier, yes.”

Remus shook his head and started towards the cupboard, moving past Sirius who put a hand on his chest and stopped him. Remus looked at him quizzically but Sirius simply closed the distance between them and kissed him softly. Remus moaned and deepened the kiss, clutching tightly at Sirius’s robe.

Sirius gladly opened his mouth to Remus’s exploration, and whimpered when their tongues intertwined. Their kiss was hot and wet, and Sirius didn’t want it to ever end, but soon Remus released him and panted against his open mouth.

“I thought your hunger was for food…” Remus said, breathlessly.

“Not only,” Sirius quipped, and Remus laughed.

“Food first, or…”

Sirius grinned. “Yeah, alright. I suppose I’m going to need the sustenance.”

“Oh, I’d say,” Remus replied, and the tone of his voice sent shivers down Sirius’s spine. 

“I don’t suppose you want to eat the chocolates after all?” Remus joked, and moved swiftly out of the way of Sirius’s slapping hands.

*

More than a month had passed since their talk, and Sirius’s relationship with Remus had changed considerably. Sirius didn’t know what Remus had told Tonks, but whatever happened between them had apparently left his cousin disappointed but not heartbroken, and Sirius was glad about that. Despite the rift that Sirius’s own jealousy had opened between them, he never wished Tonks any pain and it was good to be able to try and repair his own relationship with her now that his place in Remus’s affection was secured.

Sirius’s sex life had also undergone an enormous development. Leaving the kitchen that day, Sirius had been a nervous wreck and almost ruined everything again. Remus had been patient and caring, and he’d told Sirius that nothing would happen between them that Sirius wasn’t comfortable with.

Problem was, Sirius wasn’t exactly comfortable with anything nowadays. He’d always been considered handsome, he’d caught people’s attention everywhere he went, and more than once the eyes of men and women alike had been fixed on him when he’d entered a room. But that had been the past, when he’d been young and as carefree as someone forced to live with Orion and Walburga Black could ever be. Now, after years of torture, starvation, and neglect, Sirius avoided mirrors like the plague and could never imagine anyone willingly wanting to look at him, let alone think him handsome.

His body was very thin, his skin saggy and wrinkled, and his unhealthy eating habits definitely hadn’t helped with that. His teeth had undergone more than one healing spell, a few administered by Remus himself, and had now returned to health but Sirius still felt self-conscious about them and was afraid Remus could still only see how disgusting they’d been when he’d first saw him in the Shack. 

Sirius was a mess, in both mind and body, and he wasn’t even sure he’d be able to get an erection, let alone maintain one for a prolonged time, or experience an orgasm. He hated even thinking about this, but Sirius had to admit to himself that he couldn’t even remember what an orgasm felt like.

All of this had been weighing on his mind that first day, and Remus had to sit him down and once more ask him to breathe deeply and relax. Gently, Remus had made Sirius lie down on his side on the bed and had lain behind him, close enough to touch but not daring until Sirius had asked him to.

The memory of the first time Sirius had experienced Remus’s body wrapped around his own, Remus’s arms embracing him from behind, and Remus’s breath hot on Sirius’s neck, was enough to harden Sirius’s cock now too, just as it did back then.

His hardness had surprised Sirius that fateful day, and he could remember gasping when he’d felt Remus’s hand cupping it on top of his trousers.

“Is this okay?” Sirius remembered Remus asking, and he had nodded.

Remus had caressed him and kissed his neck, and Sirius had felt his own hips start to move as he’d rubbed back against Remus’s covered hardness and forward against his hand. 

“I want to touch you,” Remus had whispered wetly. “Can I take you in my hand?”

Sirius’s memory of that first time was hazy from that point on, but he knew he had consented and that he’d lasted no more than five seconds after Remus had taken Sirius’s cock in his hand, and stroked him a few times. Sirius had shouted his release, and watched raptly as his semen covered Remus’s fingers; then he’d lain there panting and trembling all over. 

_“Oh!”_ Sirius remembered thinking, _“That’s how it feels to be allowed to experience pleasure…”_

Remus had interrupted his musings when he’d asked Sirius to turn, and he’d complied, gasping as soon as he caught sight of Remus licking his hand clean.

“Do you want me to…” Sirius had tried to ask, but he’d been unsure of what to do and Remus must have seen it so he’d simply told him to watch while he took care of himself.

Sirius had kept his eyes fixed on Remus’s erection and enjoyed the show Remus had put on for him. When Remus had come, Sirius had closed the distance between them and kissed him deeply, drinking in his moans.

That had been all they’d done that first time, and Remus had continued taking things slow from then on: he took care of Sirius’s needs, either with his hands or with his mouth, but Remus never asked for anything in return. Only recently, after exclusively accepting Sirius’s hands, Remus finally let himself be convinced and allowed Sirius to suck him off. Sirius couldn’t remember ever liking anything more. If he could, Sirius often thought, he’d be on his knees all day long for Remus, his taste on Sirius’s tongue and his hands in Sirius’s hair.

His self-esteem was still quite low but the hungry look in Remus’s eyes whenever he gazed at Sirius’s naked body, and the way he never failed to remark on how lovely he was helped immensely, and Sirius was slowly regaining his confidence. So much so, that this particular evening Sirius decided to wait for Remus’s return from his latest mission laying completely naked on what he’d started to think of as their shared bed.

Closing his eyes and losing himself in the memory of the last time he’d had Remus with him on the bed, Sirius took himself in hand and started lazily stroking. His legs fell open, and he bent them at the knees so he could have easy access to his balls too.

Sirius smiled when he heard the door of the room unlock but only opened his eyes when he heard Remus’s soft curse.

“Moony…” Sirius moaned, and loved the way Remus’s eyes darkened.

“Honestly, Pads, what would you have done if it’d been someone else?”

“Ringing Charms,” Sirius replied.

“What?”

“I placed a Ringing Charm to the door so if anyone other than you approached, it would alert me and I could cover myself up. Or not, I mean, my bedroom, my bed, my naked cock. You don’t want to see, stay out of it, am I right?” Sirius explained, cheekily.

“You… Merlin, Sirius, if you weren’t so brilliant and very very naked now, I’d probably kick your arse.”

“Isn’t there anything else you might want to do with it other than kick it?”

Remus grinned wolfishly. “Oh, I can think of a few things, yes,” he said, and started taking his clothes off.

Sirius enjoyed the view, his hand still playing with his cock and his legs still open wide, and sighed when Remus, now also naked, slowly lowered himself in between them and lay completely on top of Sirius, dislodging his hand which Sirius promptly placed on Remus’s ass.

They kissed, Remus’s hands cupping Sirius’s face while both of Sirius’s hands went to grip his ass to move Remus’s body and rub it against his own. For a while, only their moans and the wet sound of their tongues duelling filled the room, and Remus’s cock soon responded to the friction and hardened hotly against Sirius’s.

“Want you…” Sirius panted, and Remus looked at him.

“My mouth?”

“You, Remus. I want you. Inside,” Sirius said, and enjoyed the flash of arousal in Remus’s eyes. It was soon replaced by concern, though, and Sirius spoke again to prevent any doubt being voiced by Remus. “I’m sure. Been thinking about it all week while you were away and… I’m ready, Remus. I want to feel you.”

“Padfoot, I…”

“Don’t make me beg, Moony. I will do it, but I won’t be happy about it,” Sirius smiled, and Remus chuckled.

“Okay, I… We need to prepare you and…”

“Give me my wand,” Sirius ordered.

“It’s not a sex toy, Sirius!” Remus remarked, amusement clearly shining in his eyes, but he got up and off Sirius and complied.

“Funny, are we. Now, here,” Sirius said, and placed Remus’s hand against his hole. Then he flicked his wand, muttered a spell, and just a fraction of a second later Sirius could feel his entrance relax and enjoyed Remus’s gasp as his fingers felt it too.

“How… Where did you learn this spell?” Remus asked, and without waiting for a reply he inserted two fingers inside Sirius’s magically loosened and lubricated hole.

Sirius groaned, arching his back. “Apparently Dementors don’t care about spells,” he gasped out, then stopped to catch his breath when the tip of Remus’s fingers bumped against his prostate. “They… ah! They don’t take them away because what good does it do for one to know a spell if there’s no wand to cast it with?”

“Sirius…” 

“Yeah, no. None of that. I won’t have you pitying me while I have your fingers up my arse, okay?”

Remus laughed out loud and the fingers he still had inside Sirius crooked with the movement making him shout.

“Did I hurt you?” Remus worried.

“Hurt m… Are you mad? You could keep going on like this for years and I’d never complain!”

Remus grinned, added a third finger, and then said, “Not years, surely. Isn’t there something else you requested earlier?”

“Cock. UH! Cock, in me. Now!” Sirius babbled.

Remus slowly took out his fingers, smiling at Sirius’s protests, then lay back on the bed and gestured for Sirius to sit on his lap. 

“Remus?”

“I want to look at you, I want to see your face, but I… well, I think it would be better if you were in control, Sirius. This way you can set the pace, take your time, control the depth and the angle, and stop the second you’re uncomfortable without having to ask me. Plus, I’ve been fantasizing about you riding me since sixth year...” 

Sirius beamed at him, pleased with Remus’s thoughtfulness and flattered by his desire, and yielded to his request straddling his hips and slowly lowering himself on Remus’s cock. It took a while for Sirius to adjust to the intrusion, Remus’s hardness wider and more pressing than his fingers had been, and he had to stop as soon as the head breached his hole. 

Remus kept very still, biting his lips and looking up at Sirius with loving eyes, and little by little Sirius took more of his cock inside until he was almost completely seated in Remus’s lap. He stopped then, breathing harshly and gripping Remus’s hands tightly.

“That’s it… ah… take your time with it, Pads,” Remus murmured. “Feels so good already… you… ah… so good like this, so hot…”

Sirius let Remus’s words wash over him and felt a flush covering his face and chest. As soon as he relaxed, Sirius was hit by the irresistible urge to move and he started sliding up and down Remus’s length, enjoying Moony’s moans and adding his own to them.

What started as a gentle journey up and down Remus’s cock, soon became a frantic search for more, harder, faster, deeper, and Sirius started slamming himself onto Remus until he froze and came in thick ropes without even touching himself. Remus let him be for a moment longer, then he sat up, grasped Sirius’s ass in his hands and brought him down a few more times until he came inside him.

Afterwards, Remus held him so tight that Sirius felt his lungs constrict, but he couldn’t have moved away if he wanted to, and he didn’t. He just sat there with Remus’s cock softening inside of him, and held onto his partner ignoring the tears that escaped from the corner of his eyes.

“I love you,” Sirius said, and Remus tightened his hold even more. 

“Always, Padfoot. Always you, only you. No one else. Ever,” Remus whispered against his skin. “I love you too.”

Sirius opened his eyes and took in the sunlight enveloping the room. For the first time in years, he felt that the light shining both in and out of himself almost completely overcame the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the last part on Saturday because it'll be full moon and it seems poetically fitting ;)
> 
> Thank you!


	3. Part 3

**Part 3**

While he was fighting Bellatrix in the Death Chamber of the Department of Mysteries, taunting her and dodging her hexes, Sirius felt exhilarated, invigorated, and finally _alive_. Nothing else around him registered, not even Neville shouting out Dumbledore’s name: Sirius’s world was restricted to the duel he was having with his deranged cousin, and he was giving it all he had.

When Bellatrix’s hits kept missing him, Sirius laughed, flicked out spells of his own, and felt invincible. Then, two things happened in quick succession and his world tumbled: the red light from Bellatrix’s wand hit Sirius in the chest and he started to fall backwards, stunned and out of breath, and then another spell coming from somewhere by Sirius’s side hit him in the hip and deviated the trajectory of his fall. Sirius’s head slammed hard against the stony archway of the Veil, and he fell down. He didn’t lose consciousness but couldn’t do anything other than lay there, motionless and with blood seeping from a wound on his scalp.

Voices reached him, but Sirius couldn’t move, couldn’t call back, couldn’t react: not even when he heard Harry scream his name, or Bellatrix cackle madly, overjoyed at having “killed Sirius Black”, and finally Remus yell at Harry to “wait! Don’t!” It was incredibly frustrating for Sirius to be unable to see what was happening, tell Harry he was okay, and especially prove to his mad cousin that no, sorry, she didn’t in fact kill anyone!

“Sirius!” Remus yelled, and Sirius could finally see his face when his Moony knelt by his side and leaned towards him. “Merlin, please tell me you’re okay!”

Unable to speak, Sirius blinked up at Remus and could see the relief on his partner’s drawn, worried face. Then Remus touched Sirius’s head, and he winced in pain.

“Sorry, I… Here, let me…” Remus stuttered. Sirius heard him mutter a spell to close the wound and felt a little better. Unfortunately, the effects of the stunning spell Bellatrix had hit him with, not to mention the woozy feeling caused by his head wound, were still incapacitating him and Sirius wasn’t able to communicate or thank Remus.

“Can you…” Remus started, but seemed to understand that Sirius wouldn’t be able to reply so he simply took action and gently helped Sirius sit up. “Deep breaths, come on,” Remus said, rubbing Sirius’s back and supporting him.

Sirius took a few deep breaths, fighting against the dizziness and the nausea, then tried once more to speak. “What… How… Har… Harry?”

“In a moment, Pads,” Remus answered. “You need to just sit here and recuperate now. You almost di…” Remus’s voice broke before he could pronounce the last word, and he closed his eyes in pain.

“‘M okay, Moony,” Sirius comforted. “Was lucky, just hit my head on this bloody thing, that’s all.”

“That’s all?!” Remus shouted, and Sirius winced. “You wanker! You were about to fall into the Veil! I also had to throw a hit at you to move you and as a result I almost killed you myself! Do you have any idea…”

Sirius felt his own eyes widen, and tried to reach out and touch Remus but the latter slapped his hand away.

“Don’t! You can’t just…” 

Before Remus could continue, a bruised Kingsley stepped closer to them and, after breathing in relief at seeing Sirius still alive, he told them that Moody was taking care of a still unconscious Tonks, and of Hermione and the others. He also said that, after binding the remaining Death Eaters, Dumbledore had followed Harry up to the Ministry Main Atrium.

“Why did Harry go up there?” Sirius enquired.

“He ran after Bellatrix when he thought… Well, when he believed she’d killed you,” Kingsley replied.

Gasping, Sirius got unsteadily up and took a couple of steps towards the stairs before he had to stop and catch his breath, new waves of dizziness having hit him hard.

“Will you just stop?” Remus yelled, steadying him.

“Harry…” Sirius wheezed. “I need… Harry…”

Sighing and recognizing a lost cause, Remus supported Sirius up the stairs and to the Main Atrium. With a sharp intake of breath, Sirius stopped at the entrance and took in the scene in front of him: Debris everywhere, Dumbledore kneeling before a prone, ill-looking Harry and… Voldemort. Remus cursed from behind Sirius, then grabbed him around the middle and pulled him backwards.

“What the bloody hell are you doing? Harry needs help! Didn’t you see Voldemort there?” Sirius yelled, twisting to escape Remus’s grip but too weak to succeed.

“Of course I saw!” Remus hissed, tightening his hold. “I also saw Fudge and the Aurors! What if they noticed you?”

“I don’t care! Harry needs me!”

“Shut up, Sirius!” Remus pulled him back down the stairs and into the Death Chamber. “Kingsley! Moody!” He called once there.

Still holding onto Sirius, Remus explained the situation to the others, and accepted Moody’s suggestion that he take Sirius to Hogwarts to be looked at, and then wait for Dumbledore there.

Seething at being ignored but quickly losing even the small amount of strength he had, Sirius could do nothing else but follow Remus and, before he knew it, he was sitting on a bed in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts and Madam Pomfrey was forcing potions down his throat.

“Umbridge?” Sirius heard Remus ask McGonagall.

“Not here,” she replied, and was about to say more when the door of the Infirmary opened and Moody and the others – including a bruised but otherwise not badly hurt Tonks – brought the injured members of Dumbledore’s Army in to be treated.

Soon the beds where almost all filled, and Sirius was left alone while Madam Pomfrey took care of the others.

“You okay?” Remus asked, but Sirius refused to look at him and kept his eyes fixed on the bed where Hermione, the one who’d been injured more seriously, lay. 

“Sirius…” Remus tried again and, sighing, Sirius turned.

“How could you?” 

“How could I what? Uh? What? Save your life and give you a head injury in the process?” Remus hissed, and Sirius waved a hand at that as if to signify the idiocy of that statement. “No? Then what? How could I be so stupid as to let you go after Harry when you could barely stand? How could I prevent Fudge from seeing you and sending you back to prison? What, Sirius?”

“Harry thinks I’m dead, Remus! And he looked like he’d gone ten rounds with a Basilisk! Or worse because, you see, bloody Voldemort was there! Harry thinks I’m dead,” Sirius repeated, anguished, “and he was hurt. I needed to go to him, I needed to help him, Fudge and the Aurors be damned! Harry needed me… to hell with what happened to me…”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Remus whispered, angrily. “Harry needs you but what good can you do him if you’re food for the Dementors? Do you think he would have been okay seeing you alive and having you taken away from the Aurors a moment later? Do you imagine that would have made him feel better?”

Sirius winced but glared up at Remus, unwilling to concede the point. Yes, of course Remus was right, and of course Sirius was glad he’d been thinking as fast as he did and saved his life twice that day. Still, being kept from Harry after seeing the state the boy had been in, not to mention being unable to tell him that he was still alive, was torture for Sirius.

Tired, worried, but unwilling to keep fighting with Remus, Sirius took his hand in his own, and softened his gaze. “Moony…” he started but was interrupted by Dumbledore’s voice.

“There,” Dumbledore said, and Sirius looked up to see Harry’s shocked eyes and incredulous face.

“Sirius?”

“Harry!” Sirius shouted, and just a second later he had an armful of his Godson and was rocking him while he cried on Sirius’s shoulder. 

“I’m okay. Hey, none of that. I’m here. I’m okay,” Sirius kept repeating, gently caressing Harry’s back.

“I thought… She said… and there was so much blood…” Harry muttered, wetly, against Sirius’s neck.

“I’m fine, see,” Sirius said, pushing Harry away from him and grinning. “Moony saved my life. He also gave me a concussion and bruised my hip but hey! You don’t see me complaining, do you?” Sirius joked, winking at Harry and beaming up at Remus. 

His hilarity died and Sirius frowned when the werewolf didn’t even crack a small smile in return; Harry laughed though, and Sirius took that as a win.

“Thank you, Professor. Remus…” Harry said, smiling at Remus, and Sirius watched him smile back hesitantly.

“Regular hero, our Moony is,” Sirius tried again, and this time Remus rolled his eyes reassuring Sirius.

“It is most pleasing to see you well, Sirius,” Dumbledore offered, from his position at the foot of Sirius’s bed.

“Thank you, sir. I… We saw Voldemort at the Ministry, sir,” Sirius said. “Is he…”

“You were there?” Harry asked, and Sirius told him what happened when he’d been about to enter the Atrium.

“Thankfully Remus acted swiftly,” Dumbledore commented, and Harry agreed. “Following recent developments I’m certain we will soon have a new Minister of Magic; nonetheless, it wouldn’t have done for Fudge to see you there, Sirius. Times are still too uncertain, I’m afraid, and we can’t employ our forces into clearing your name.”

Sirius hadn’t really expected anyone to even address the matter of his innocence now that they had proof of Voldemort’s return, and the subsequent start of the open warfare was at the forefront. Even so, it was disappointing and depressing for him to understand what Dumbledore hadn’t said but had made plain as day: once Sirius left Hogwarts, he’d have to return to being held captive in his ancestral home. 

“However,” Dumbledore continued, interrupting Sirius’s thoughts. “I’m afraid Grimmauld Place might have been compromised. It wouldn’t be sensible to keep using it as headquarters, nor it would be safe to have you stay there once more.”

Sirius stared at Dumbledore open-mouthed and was glad when Harry, seemingly reading Sirius’s mind, asked for an explanation.

“You see, dear boy, Kreacher was convinced by Narcissa Malfoy to lie to you,” Dumbledore told Harry. “He told you that Sirius wasn’t home so that you would believe he was indeed in danger and rush over to the Ministry. If Kreacher obeys both Narcissa’s and Bellatrix’s orders, you see, we cannot…”

“That foul, filthy, back-stabbing little monster!” Sirius shouted, interrupting Dumbledore. “I’ll wring his scrawny neck and be done with it, you just wait!”

“Sirius…” Remus interjected, but Dumbledore spoke again.

“Actually, if I may, I do have a suggestion. As I was saying, it’s not possible for you to reside in that house anymore Sirius, but you’re going to have to go back quickly to retrieve your personal effects and a few documents that the Order left behind. Whilst you’re there, it might be an ideal solution in regards to Kreacher if you sent him to work in the kitchens here at Hogwarts. That way, he would be duty bound to obey you, and it would be next to impossible for him to be in contact with your cousins.”

“Brilliant!” Harry commented, and Dumbledore smiled proudly at him.

“Yes, that’s a perfect solution, Headmaster,” Remus said. “But may I ask… Where is Sirius to go if he can’t stay at headquarters anymore?”

Sirius suddenly realised that Remus was right. The idea that he was to be set free from that wretched place still hadn’t completely sunk in and the thought that an alternative ‘prison’ will have to be found for him hadn’t even crossed his mind; but of course Remus’s question needed an answer.

“I was actually thinking you might take him back to your cottage, Remus,” Dumbledore replied, and it took everything for Sirius not to shout ‘yes, please!’ when he heard that. “We will need to cast additional wards on it, make it safer, but I don’t foresee any problems provided you agree.”

Sirius looked at Remus with what he was sure was a puppy-like expression, and Remus cocked his head at him and rolled his eyes.

“Of course, I agree, sir,” Remus said, and Sirius grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly. He was immensely relieved when Remus squeezed back.

“Marvellous,” Dumbledore commented. “I believe it would be best for you to go back to our former headquarters as soon as you feel able, Sirius, so you can perform your tasks and head to Remus’s cottage.”

“But, sir…” Sirius asked. “What about Harry?”

“Me? I don’t…” Harry tried. 

“What about him, Sirius?” Dumbledore asked.

“Where is he going to go now that Voldemort revealed himself?” Sirius asked again. “Can he… Could he maybe come stay with me? With us?” Sirius finished, looking at Remus who nodded.

“Ah,” Dumbledore commented. “I’m afraid that can’t be, Sirius.”

“Why?” Harry shouted. “I want to go!”

“Sir, I…”

“None of that,” Dumbledore said, sternly. “Harry will have to spend at least the first half of his Summer with his aunt and uncle. It is imperative that he spends time there, now more than ever.” Sirius and Harry both slumped at that. “However, provided we can strengthen the wards and that nothing else happens, I believe it might be possible for Harry to spend the rest of the Summer holidays with you and Remus.”

Harry let out a whoop of joy at that and threw himself back in Sirius’s arms. He laughed and held his Godson tight, breathing deeply now that his future was shaping up to be brighter and brighter.

*

Standing in the long hallway of Grimmauld Place for what he hoped would be the very last time in his life, Sirius waited for Remus to finish packing the last of their things. Kreacher had been swiftly taken care of and sent to work at Hogwarts, his bony traitorous neck still intact much to Sirius’s dismay, and Sirius couldn’t wait to be done with everything concerning this house.

Resisting the urge to yell at Remus to hurry up, Sirius sighed and leaned against the wall. A grin blossomed on his face when he recalled what happened the last time he’d been leaning against this very same wall…

_As soon as they apparated in Grimmauld Place, Remus turned to Sirius and pushed him against the wall. Sirius’s wrists were gripped and pinned above his head then Remus, face mere millimetres away from Sirius, said,_

_“Never_ ever _do anything like that again! You hear me, Sirius? You don’t leave yourself wide open to be hexed, you don’t force yourself to stand and bloody run with a barely closed head wound and, most importantly, you do not risk being caught by Aurors and sent back to Azkaban! Never, Sirius! Say it,” Remus intimated. “You say it right now!”_

_“I…” Sirius tried, but Remus apparently decided he didn’t want to hear him speak after all and shut him up with a bruising kiss._

_Immobilized like he was, Sirius couldn’t do much more than surrender to the assault, moaning in pleasure when he felt Remus’s body pressing tightly against his own. The high-pitched whine coming out of Remus’s mouth even while he kissed him penetrated the haze of pleasure Sirius was lost in, and he turned his head slightly to break the kiss. Remus allowed that but kept his open mouth on Sirius’s cheek and by the shortness of his breath Sirius realize that Remus was trying not to cry._

_“Let me… please… Need to touch you,” Sirius pleaded._

_Remus released his wrists so that Sirius could bring his arms down to his shoulders and hold him close._

_“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Moony… Thank you, did I even say that?” Sirius asked, and felt Remus shake his head, buried as it was in the crook of Sirius’s neck._

_“Thank you for saving me, from Bellatrix and from myself. Thank you for being the voice of reason and the shoulder to lean on. Thank you for not leaving me to my own devices and letting me be my own downfall. Thank you for never looking away from me, even during a battle, so that you could intervene as soon as I needed you to. Thank you for…”_

_“Stop,” Remus interrupted. “I don’t want you to thank me, Sirius. I want you to think before you act! I want you to stop throwing yourself head first into danger and damn the consequences!”_

_Remus stepped back and away from Sirius and he mourned the loss of his warmth. Pain marred Remus’s beloved face, and Sirius could see tears shining in his eyes and a visible tremble in his body._

_“Moony…”_

_“Promise me, Sirius. Promise me you’ll never… I can’t… I can’t lose you…” Remus’s voice broke, and Sirius closed the distance between them once again and clung to him._

_“I promise. I swear, Remus. I can’t… You know I cannot promise that nothing will happen to me and that I’ll always be here. No one can. We’re at war. But I swear to you now, Moony, I swear that I’ll do everything I can to stay and that I will never, ever leave you willingly.” Sirius pledged, and Remus held him as tightly as he could._

_“Pads…”_

_“You too, Remus,” Sirius said. “Promise me you’ll do the same.”_

_“I promise,” Remus replied, and kissed Sirius again pushing him once more against the wall and grinding his hips against Sirius’s._

_Laughing, Sirius broke the kiss. “Will you ever snog me in a hallway without first berating me for something and demand I never attempt it again?”_

_“Knowing you,” Remus shot back, amused. “I’d say chances are slim…”_

_Sirius snorted but any retort he might have wanted to offer was swallowed by Remus’s mouth._

“Sirius?”

Remus’s voice brought Sirius out of the memory. “All done?”

“Yes, our stuff should be arriving at the cottage soon. Where were you just now?”

“Right here, in this hallway, being thoroughly snogged by my favourite werewolf,” Sirius replied, cheekily.

“Favourite, uh? You have other werewolves that like to snog you, I take it?”

“Just you, Moons,” Sirius winked, and Remus laughed.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah, I…” Sirius bit his own lip. “You know, it’s good to have untainted memories to go to whenever I need it but uhm… at times I think I’d like to have my old ones back, too. Will you… Do you think you could… Help me some more with that?”

“Always,” Remus replied, kissing Sirius softly. “Now, shall we?” 

Remus held out his hand to Sirius so they could disapparate together, but Sirius hesitated, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Wait, I need…” Sirius cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted at the top of his lungs, “Goodbye, Mother!” 

Walburga’s portrait immediately started cursing at him and shouting abuse. Cackling, Sirius finally reached for Remus’s hand and left everything behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where we leave them :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and stopping by to leave kudos or comment!


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